they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I pour the whiskey from now on
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
