If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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