I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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