I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
