LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
