Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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