Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Come see our sink grown plant.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
