Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
