It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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