Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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