sarcasm needs its own font
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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