She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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