pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
