I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
