what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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