So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize