My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
