I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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