Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
