my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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