JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
