It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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