Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
