is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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