I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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