omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
