does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
