I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
time to smoke my breakfast
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
