someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
