why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
