I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
