a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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