Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
