so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
