I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize