i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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