I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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