Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
