i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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