i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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