just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
