So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I want is dick and wine.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
