You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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