Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
