Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
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