seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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