Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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