At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
True college students do jello shots in the library
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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