I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
