You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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