Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
