gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
