walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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