Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
