One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
