i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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