She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
