My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize