i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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