fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize