Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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