I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
