I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
