It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
