I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
