Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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