Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
